Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

poem- savings November 18, 2015

When Brianna asked why the Brits have such horrible toilet paper,

“Hearts of oak are our men,” Roger intoned, “stainless steel are their bums. It builds the national character.”

Diana Gabaldon in
Dragonfly in Amber

The government is loudly raving

school districts must  search for savings!

As they replaced all our paper dispensers

with giant boxes, our sphinxters grew tenser

The paper that’s extruded, (please trust this fact)

is a complete and absolute pain on the ass.

We’ve had to get tougher as the years go by

but this toilet paper, with its single thick, crispy ply,

is taking it a step too far.   If *Christie’s contract wasn’t enough,

You’re scraping us raw.  Yeah.  These days teaching is rough.

The government doesn’t seem to register

we don’t need to have stronger character!

.

true story  :-/

* Christie Clark is the current Premier of BC, and former Minister of Education.  Teachers dislike her for her destruction and defunding of education in BC.

 

poem- matchless October 15, 2015

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 2:53 pm
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“I want a wood fire,” she sighed.

“Go light a match on the porch,” he said,

“and never say I don’t support

your dreams.”

.

.

.

Oh, the sarcasm!  But since they don’t have a fireplace in their house, I guess this is the best that could be managed.

 

poem-hither? July 23, 2015

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 10:01 am
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Overheard:

She wasn’t wearing her come-hither garment?

That was his excuse?

Perhaps he should wear his come-hither garment,

it’s not like she doesn’t ask him to all the time.

(Oh dear. For lack of garment, neither he nor she is coming-hither!)

 

poem-screw you! July 3, 2015

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 11:26 am
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Oh you, Screw,

exiting from bone

seeking a new home

pushing through my skin

in increasing agonies of effort.

As we part ways, may I state

that while I appreciate you having held me together

during that stint of cold weather,

it’d be great if you stay in place until

the surgeon takes you away!

(This ankle pain rankles me).

.

(I only wish this one was figurative, rather than literal!)

 

poem- retirement project May 5, 2015

Filed under: fun,Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 4:56 pm
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That old shell of a van

might make a fun project for you.

Just think, when it’s done

you can make out in the back with a hot chick,

or at least a chick with hot flashes.

.

 

poem-bone bling March 30, 2015

Filed under: Poetry,Teaching — Shawn L. Bird @ 11:51 pm
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“So what happened exactly?”

the students asked,

and I told them about the fall,

casts, surgery, plate, and screws.

“Ha!” one laughed, “That’s perfect for you!”

“Why?” I asked

“Because now

even your skeleton

has bling!”

.

.

True story.

I love my students.

🙂

 

poem-between the lines March 16, 2015

Honey,

quit hunting between the lines

for secret messages!

The pondering that ravages your mind

is funny.

Sometimes a like is just a like,

it’s not a matter of spite

a declaration of might,

suggestion you’re right,

it’s just a like.

‘Nice words.  I heard them.’

‘Well phrased.  This stays with me.’

‘You posted.  Yay!’

Quit running with the attitude

that everything’s about you.

Relax.  Let live.  Don’t stress.

I don’t care if you’re wearing pants or dress.

If you look like Hans but feel like Sue.

I’m not gunning after you!

Do what you want to do.

But don’t read between my lines

and imagine that in my rhymes

I’m referring to you.

(Though this one time,

it’s true,

I do).

.

.

(Sometimes I get weird email.  I should just ignore it, but sometimes it’s inspiring.  What can I say?)

 

poem-pi sigh March 14, 2015

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 1:23 pm
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This morning

3.14 15 at 9:26.53

I waited breathlessly

for Math Gods to bestow

great knowing.

I waited for glowing in the sky

as the moment equaled  ten digits of pi.

But no.

No math enlightenment from on high.

Sigh.

 

 

 

poem-costume construction February 28, 2015

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 3:26 pm
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2X2tutu

They’re hiding out at Huyter’s House

amid tutus and two by twos.

Keren constructs costumes and walls

Her production can not stall

(though reproduction’s done, y’all).

Garage transformed to costume shop

Gladly reformed for custom stops.

Accost tutus and two by twos,

Keren will hand a hammer to you!

.

.

.

(For my amazing friend Keren, of Huyter’s House of Costumes, because the dance studio productions don’t really care whether the new sewing room is finished or not!)  🙂

 

poem- canine scheming January 29, 2015

Filed under: Poetry,poodles — Shawn L. Bird @ 3:10 pm
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In the hallway

between kitchen and bedrooms

the chef knife catches the light.

Which poodle is plotting

nefarious exploits?

Should we be locking

bedroom doors at night?

 

 
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