(for Nikki)
.
I see joy.
See how you have expanded
until you’re exploding with all
that you’d held tightly
contained, buttoned up?
I see confidence.
See how what was timid
and tentative
now twinkles with the knowing
that you are amazing?
I am so proud
of who you’ve made,
you.
When was the moment
that ‘we’ broke apart?
Or did it just wear away?
All those things in common,
yet nothing holds together.
I rocked you in my arms
dreamed of all you’d be.
Never did I imagine you’d be
without me.
Why did you turn away?
We gave you space to grow
and now we don’t know
if loneliness is the price we pay,
when children make their way,
break their way,
wear away.
It couldn’t quite be
as obvious as that?
Roped mysteries
hauled to lucidity,
tugged into reality.
Something is vaguely changed.
Weary watching,
sidelong looks,
what happens next?
For eighteen years,
each evening when I glance out my kitchen window,
I see my elderly neighbour
at work through his window.
Suddenly, this week,
his drapes are drawn.
What nefariousness is this?
What hidden adventures is this World War 2 spy
up to now, that require such secrecy?
The neighbourhood has become far
more interesting with this mystery.
The day after
the wishes flow,
the possibilities drain away.
Futility crushes the mutibility of dreams,
but tomorrow is another day.
Each act ahead comes
from what’s behind.
We are all walking wounded
trailing bandages
that tangle us,
tie us,
trip us
into our future.
Wear a blind fold:
we cannot look into a mirror to see the pain
etched across our faces.
See the bandages?
Trip over them
leaving the bar.
Scream yourself hoarse,
stamp your feet.
Shout “I’m fine, fine, FINE!” *
Ah. Methinks,
The lady doth protest too much.*
.
.
(*Allusions: In Louise Penny’s wonderful Inspector Gamache books, Ruth Zardo has written a book of poetry where FINE is an acroynym for F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Egotistical. I’d say that applies here, too. “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” is from the play within a play in Shakespeare’s Hamlet).
It is
It isn’t
Round and round
I can!
I can’t!
You do
You don’t
and trying
trying
trying
doesn’t make it easier
to pull your broken brain away
from turbulance
I don’t know you anymore
I don’t like you anymore
Loyalty keeps me doing
because I promised him
and you can’t help being broken
I know.
It is
It isn’t
Time ticks by
I try
I try
I try.
