On this Valentine’s Day, I’m thinking about love tokens…
I have a beautiful wedding ring, made for me by Natasha of Armeni Jewelers when they were here in the Shuswap. It has two nicely sized diamonds, set above 22 little pavé set diamonds. It’s about a centimetre wide. Presently, it’s a bit too large, and so I have two small bands on either side to keep it on. As a result, I have a solid inch of sparkle on my left hand. (You can see it in this post). Over the years, on several occasions students have looked at my hand and gasped, “Wow! Your husband must really love you!”
Well, of course he does.
However, the ring isn’t any demonstration of that. Does a poor man love his wife less than a rich man? Of course not! When we got married, we were both in university. We didn’t have a lot of money to spend on wedding paraphernalia. Our entire wedding budget was $1000- for photographer, flowers, dresses, and reception! I bought my husband’s ring with the prize money from a short story contest. I had a nice little ring set, but I’d wanted white gold, and at the time we could only find yellow gold in the jewellery stores. I didn’t know anything about hiring jewellery designers to custom make rings back then. Twenty-two years later, there was a little more cash around, and so I designed a ring that is full of symbols: our initials, children and years together. Natasha enthusiastically embraced the project, and a few weeks later, I had a gorgeous, unique ring. Hubby had nothing to do with it! In fact, I’d been wearing it two months before my daughter noticed it while we were sitting down at dinner one evening. He might never have done so! Even if he’d been inclined to re-create a ring for me, he wouldn’t know where to begin.
Love isn’t measured by the jewellery on the wife. Love is measured by the loving heart, the calm demeanour, the comforting embrace, the secure support, and the consistency of years of togetherness. Whether there is a fancy ring, a plain band, or nothing at all, the commitment is the important thing, renewed day by day.
Still, I don’t mind him getting the credit for the ring. After all, he does love me a lot.
Shawn L. Bird 
thriving March 19, 2012
Tags: love, marriage, relationships, Secret Daughter, Shilpi Somaya Gowda
(Shilpi Somaya Gowda. Secret Daughter. p. 261)
I remember debating the nature of marriage with a male friend when I was a teen ager. My concept reflected Gowda’s quote above, that each partner had to give 100% to the other. He argued that that sort of thing was impossible, it would destroy the individual. 50/50 he could maybe see, but giving 100% no.
Some thirty plus years after that conversation, considering who has a divorce under his belt and who hasn’t got one under hers, I may have won the argument by default.
Mind you, he was right as well. It is nearly impossible to open yourself up to someone else like that. Trust is a huge thing, and perhaps the more broken you are, or the more you’ve been betrayed, the more difficult it will be to open yourself to trusting so freely. There are often secrets in a marriage, and some are to protect the spouse. For example, I protect mine from knowing my shoe budget. He sees the shoes, and he knows he really doesn’t want to know my shoe budget. ;-p Those sorts of secrets are by mutual consent, and do no harm.
Mutual respect and attention is the key here. One partner can’t do all the giving, it needs to be a reciprocal circle, a single entity. It’s like an element with positive and negative electrons whirling around. They must be kept in balance for the relationship to flourish.
The giving means receiving as well. More importantly, it means recognizing what is within the other to give. The 100% that they have to offer might not include what you are expecting or desiring. Accepting the other’s offerings gratefully and genuinely is part of power created in the elements of marriage. You can not grieve for what the other cannot offer, nor can you blame them for it. You need to celebrate the spouse you have, and allow them to celebrate you.
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