Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

poem- Curse on you, jerk! August 15, 2015

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 11:50 pm
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While I was attending a conference Saturday, some total jerk keyed Sheila the Bug in TWO places!!!  So Sheila (cough) invoked a  curse on the perpetrator…

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Curse on you, jerk!

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What kind of jerk must you be

to key a car as cute as me?

My adorableness is super-powered

by butterflies and cute pink flowers

Big tough guys have been known to say

“That’s one happy car!” to me on days

when they needed to receive a smile.

Just my presence made them grin a while

But you, you jerk, slice across my paint

and gouge me with your anger taint?

You creep, what did I ever do

to deserve such cutting through?

My words are mild: you jerk, you creep

but know retribution may be deep.

When you attempt to dream,

Angry Bugs will make you scream

as they scrape off your skin

to upholster seats with your leather trim

While you are trying to sleep

You’ll hear Bug horns beep, beep,beep

Then VW exhaust fumes will creep

into your room and poison you

they’ll turn you purple and then blue.

When you are driving on the highway

passing lanes will never go your way.

You’ll constantly be stopped by construction

and innumerable other annoying obstructions.

May you be stuck in traffic jams.

May you fail your driving exams.

May your airbag deploy when you stop at a light.

May your paint job turn that weird foggy white.

For keying cars, you total jerk

I set forever this Auto Curse!

 

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Fluevog here, Fluevog there… March 3, 2011

Filed under: Commentary,Grace Awakening — Shawn L. Bird @ 12:53 am
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Hot on the heels of my recent blog on Fluevog shoes, I discovered John Fluevog himself looking out at me from the cover of Vista magazine while I was visiting my local health food store today (stocking up on dark chocolate covered ginger and stevia)  Check it out. The article is on page 22. http://www.vistamagonline.com/

Fluevog is asked how his love of cars influences his shoe designs and he responds,

I like cars because I like the way they look; it has nothing to do with the way they drive.  I actually walk to work every day and I don’t drive that much, thought I have four cars.  Oddly enough, cars and shoes have a lot in common.  They’re multi-angular, multi-functional, continuously moving shapes.  I think cars are fashion guards–the lack of fashion lately in cars is a reflection of society and what people think.

This amuses me because in Grace Awakening Fatima the Bug is almost a character,

Like everything else about her, Auntie Bright’s car was very distinctive.  It was an ancient VW Beetle that she’d had painted a vivid Mediterranean blue, and then she’d hand painted it with a swirling variety of giant paisleys in purples, blues, yellows and reds.  Here and there were dots of gemstones glued on as accents, just to add sparkle.  At first glance it seemed as if she’d upholstered the car with vivid cloth and sequins.  People did double takes on the highway, and she generally had at least one person stop to admire and to ask her about it wherever she went.  Children were drawn to it.  People smiled as they saw her coming.  It always made her shake her head and remark, “People are such cowards.  They come and rave about how beautiful my car is, how they wish they could have a unique car, and yet they content themselves to drive around in boring mud coloured cookie cutters.  I don’t get it.”  (p. 269)

We’ve already established that  Bright would love Fluevog’s shoes.   I wonder what he’d think of Bright’s car?

Or mine, for that matter!

 

Bug Joy August 23, 2010

Filed under: Commentary — Shawn L. Bird @ 7:04 pm
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There are stereotypes about people who drive VW Beetles. The VW people perpetuate this stereotype in their literature. In the promo pamphet I got, there is a coupon book for you to give after you do a good deed; for example, “The meter was fed by an anonymous New Beetle driver” for parking lots or “Your coffee was purchased by an anonymous New Beetle driver” for drive throughs.

What words come to mind when you contemplate the stereotype?

For the old Beetle: hippy?.  For the New: Cute? Joyful? Non-conformist? Kind? Considerate? Quirky? Happy?

I have completely bought into the stereotype and raised the ante by covering my Cyber Green New Beetle (affectionately known as “Sheila the Bug”) with butterflies and flowers. That intensifies the ‘happy’ and ‘quirky’ parts of the stereotype. I like it.  People smile when I drive by.  Small children wave.

"Sheila The Bug"

Enter the anti-Beetle lady. I don’t know who she is, but she really bugs me. (Pardon the pun!) She drives a Beetle in an even sunnier, more joyful colour than mine.   You’d think she was a bubbly, happy person! But she’s definitely not.  If I do The Bug Wave to her on the road, the universal hand flick of greeting between passing Bug drivers whether or not they know each other, she ignores it. People talk to her in the gym and she ignores them. One day, someone changed the music, and she exclaimed loudly as she rose from her machine and stomped right out of the gym. I have spoken to her and while she answered my questions, “It’s a special edition colour, no longer available” and “My husband bought it for me,” she was scowling the whole time.

The only explanation for this odd behaviour is found in that line, “My husband bought it for me.”

Was the poor man hoping that by buying his wife a happy car, that he’d be buying her a personality transplant? Did he hope that the quaint bubbliness of her vehicle would inspire her to a happier attitude in life?

It doesn’t seem to be working. She is more suited to driving a hearse. I think she needs to sell her car before she gives people the wrong idea about the rest of us.

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Tell me what your stereotype of your vehicle is.  Do you agree with me about the New Beetle stereotype?

 

 
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