Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

6 pillars of a strong marriage August 8, 2012

Filed under: Pondering — Shawn L. Bird @ 9:15 am
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Following on the heels of yesterday’s post on the purpose of marriage, here are what I consider the six most important components to a lasting relationship.  There have to be a few pillars, because let’s face it, pillars do get knocked out from under us.  If one or two of these is damaged on life’s journey, the other pillars are strong enough to hold up the marriage while rebuilding occurs.

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1. mutual respect

Precisely what you respect might differ, but you have to value your spouse as an individual.   Intellect? Accomplishments?  Acumen?  Beauty?  Skills?  It doesn’t matter.  If you respect each other for who you are, you acknowledge personal value.

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2. communication

Problems will come up.  If you are able to hear one another and work together to solve them, you can overcome them.

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3. common purpose

Your goal may be to maintain a middle-class life or to conquer the world.  You may share a faith or intellectual pursuits.  Whatever it is, if you’re both of the same mind and working within the same expectations, your relationship will grow.

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4. mutual affection

If you genuinely like your partner as a person, it’s much easier to live with them and their inevitable foibles.  Friends make the best lovers.

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5. trust

Trust is earned and must be maintained by constant vigilance.  You need to be reliable and consistent, abiding by the understanding and expectations that you develop together.

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6. tenacity

If you are not willing to leave the marriage if problems come up, then you have to negotiate.  You are forced to find solutions to the challenges.  Not being willing to accept the possibility of failure goes a very long way to ensuring success.

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Did you notice what was missing from my list?  🙂   I suspect that passion is like the paint on a house.  It makes it look nice, but it has absolutely nothing to do with soundness of the structure beneath.  I wouldn’t want to live in a passionless marriage, but should my spouse be sliced in half in some horrible accident, all the things that make our marriage strong would still be there.

The neurologists talk about the brain chemistry that keeps couples together and passion plays a crucial role.  Check out The Science of Love.  Is all emotion neurological?  Pragmatically, does it matter?

PS 2013/06 I’m thinking that for all my talk of pillars, the walls are the physical intimacies of a sexual relationship.  Yes, the roof/relationship stays up without it, but it’s a lot warmer inside if there are walls to keep out the winds!

 

the purpose of marriage August 7, 2012

Filed under: Pondering — Shawn L. Bird @ 6:13 pm
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I’ve been thinking a bit about marriage, this being a season of new marriages and significant anniversaries in our circle.  We are seeing everything from the blush of new couplings, to those having reached a half century and stretching beyond.

Marriage serves many purposes.  Once upon a time, a marriage could forge alliances, settle feuds, and enlarge estates.  The bride was property to exchange, and  the children would be the beneficiaries of those alliances.  That was a long view of marriage, a kind of dynastic vision with the individuals’ place firmly seen as a small cog in a greater machine of familial destiny and power mongering.

Nowadays, we tend not to think such of great thoughts and purpose.  Sure, a spouse with a rich or influential family provides a nice security, and undoubtedly a youthful trophy on an man’s arm gives him at least an imagined superiority over others.  Some pay for their shallow reasons in hefty divorce settlements, and that’s the price of doing such business.

Way back in the second book of Genesis, God declares, “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen 2:18)  and so God fashioned woman.  Consider some ways to interpret that:  a helper is a help mate, a companion, a consort, an accomplice, a partner, a protector, a guide, and a colleague (so says the on-line thesaurus).

A spouse (whatever the gender) must be all those things.  What first brings a couple together may be prosaic, and some romantics might scoff at the dispassionate process that bonds some couples, though I think such sober decision making provides stronger glue than the chemical waterfalls of attraction and biological imperative.  Sexual coupling requires far less effort than a lifetime partnership, after all.   I know a lot of people who choose toxic partners repeatedly and then bemoan their horrible relationships.  It seems ironic in the extreme that they don’t recognise that “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.”  Choose your life partner for more important reasons than the colour of his eyes or how she looks in her jeans.

I once heard that falling in love releases massive amounts of hormones into your system.  The result is that your brain is numbed and drugged, as the rush of dopamine is equivalent to a cocaine high.  You can’t make rational decisions when you’re so befuddled.  I heard that it takes a full year for your brain to clear the chemicals so you can think lucidly again.

The most important question to ask yourself when your brain function returns is “Why should I marry this person?  What would the purpose of such a marriage be?”  When you can step back and study the goals, you stand the best chance of making a marriage that will have staying power.

 

her with him July 27, 2012

It’s not truth,

but danger.

    Not what is real,

    but what’s perceived.

        The excluding

        exclamations

        of laughter

             contrasted by

             bored eye brows

             and sighs.

An amused knife

slicing through

her security.

         © Shawn L. Bird

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Being a free verse, there is no strict rhyme or rhythm pattern in this one, but you’ll see lots of examples here of consonance, assonance, and alliteration.  Notice in particular the pattern of growling of the /r/s, the explosive /ex/s and the sighing /s/s which reflect the narrative persona’s emotional experience.  

There is a circle pattern with the 6 sections (not quite stanzas, not being separated) being strongly consonant /r/, then assonant /e/, then alliterative /ex/, and then reversing: alliterative /b/, assonant /i/, and finally consonant /r/ again.  How does this pattern reflect the persona’s emotional state?

You are welcome to use this poem in your class room, crediting the author.  I’d also be pleased to see a comment indicating where and when you did.  Thanks.

 

literary immortality July 6, 2012

I’ve been spending the last few days transcribing my copy of Susanna Dobson’s Life of Petrarch (1777) and as I plug away on the typing I am musing on immortality.

The other day I alluded to and listed Shakespeare’s “Sonnet 18,” and as I read it, I am thinking of the comparison between Will’s unknown inspiration, and Petrarch’s Laure.  Here’s that sonnet again:

SONNET 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimmed;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimmed;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,

Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,

When in eternal lines to Time thou grow’st.

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.


The immortality happens in the closing couplet.  So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.  “This” is, of course, Will’s poem.  He claims that he has made his beloved immortal by describing her (or him) in this poem.  The immortality has limited value, being as we have no idea of whom he was speaking, but the moment of loving adoration is captured for all time.

Petrarch is a little more specific.  He names his love, and of course, the people of his time knew exactly who she was.  He calls her Laure, and his poetry abounds with symbolism of the laurel.  A crown of laurels was (and still is) a mark of distinction. Petrarch believes she is his crown and his success.  History (particularly the Abbé de Sade in his Mémoires sur la vie de François Pétrarque, 1764) records her as Laure de Noves, wife of Hugues de Sade.  (In English, we call her Laura).

Here is Petrarch’s Canzoniere 6 which shows a play on the laurel at the end:

Now so depraved is my poor fool, desire,
To persecute this lady, turned in flight,
Unloosed of Love’s entrapments, footing light,
Ahead of my slow run he flies. Prior

To my objections, by the roads most dire,
The more I call, the more he takes to flight;
Restraint is weak, nor has the spur its bite
When Love and nature in him do conspire.

And then he grasps the bridle to direct
The way, and takes me for a vassal, hastes
Post-haste, as though to death, my worsened state

To reach at last the laurel and collect
The bitter fruit of others’ plagues, the tastes
That grieve one more, unless they consolate.

(trans.  “Hypocorism” on Yahoo Answers)

This poem is echoing the section that I’m transcribing at the moment.  Laura is being stalked.  Petrarch follows her about Avignon, gazing dreamily at her or trying to talk to her.  She covers her face and takes off in the other direction.  You can almost hear her running steps while Petrarch shouts rhyming verses extolling her beauty.  It’s a wonder her hubby Hugues didn’t call him out and beat him to a pulp!  (Now that’s an interesting scene, isn’t it?  Hmm.  Expect to see something along those lines).

The summary of this vague sort of comparison between Will and Francesco is that  to truly be immortalized, the beloved needs a name, and a personality.  Laure seems far more real than Will’s anonymous beloved.  While Laure is busy running in the opposite direction, pulling her veil over her head, and trying to maintain her virtue against the onslaught of Petrarch’s devotion, Will’s beloved is a static object, simply receiving affection and adoration.  There is no sense of individuality.  Nonetheless, the love does become immortal because it is recorded.  Words are powerful.

Here’s an afterword by poet Jacopo Sannazzaro   (1458–1530).  A hundred years earlier, Petrarch had lived at the spring that is the source of the Sorgue River, writing his canzonieres to Laura beneath the limestone cliffs that echo with the burbling of the river.

Sorgues, the River  Laura de Sade

THE NYMPH by Sorga’s humble murmurings born,

Illustrious now on wings of glory soars;        

Her high renown its awful echo pours           

Wide o’er the earth. Splendors like these adorn        

Her, destined, in her modest beauty’s morn,          5

To charm the eye of Petrarch. Her the doors 

Of fame’s proud dome enshrine; the radiant stores   

Of fancy blaze around her; nor does scorn    

On her low birthplace and obscurer tomb      

Glance a triumphant scowl. What suns illume                    10

With lustre like the Muse? How many dames,          

Wise, chaste, and lovely, of distinguished race,        

Have slept in death forgotten, lost their names,        

While hers from age to age beams with still heightened grace.         

(Trans. Capel Lofft)

Indeed.  The words craft immortality; the love brings fame.

This image is popularly considered to be Laure de Noves de Sade, beloved of Petrarch, though the Musee Petrarque in Fontaine de Vaucluse asserts that there are NO verified pictures of her, most being painted years after her death.

 

any kind of happy? June 27, 2012

Filed under: Reading — Shawn L. Bird @ 9:29 pm
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“Being any kind of happy is better than being miserable about someone you can’t have.”

~Leah in Breaking Dawn

Stephenie  Meyer

In the Twilight Saga, Jacob loves Bella, but Bella loves Edward.  However, she loves Jacob, too.  If we were to pull out the Greek words for love, I think we’d be using three different words in this triangle.   Bella’s affections for Jacob are like a family attachment: storge.  Her feelings for Edward are sexual: eros.  Jacob’s feelings for Bella suggest a bit of agape, but also the comradry of philia.  There is a lot of complexity going on as these different kinds of love all simmer together, complicating things.

So Jacob can’t have Bella the way he would like, and Leah thinks anything is better than nothing.  Each of the words above is a fragment of attachment, one can have several of them at once.  What do you think?  Is one better than nothing?  Is each valuable in its own way?  Do you have to have all or a majority of them in one relationship to make it valuable?

 

A Year in Love May 27, 2012

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 9:25 pm
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I have published an e-chapbook of 22 haiku poems.  It is entitled A Year In Love.  You can purchase it here.  It’s 99c, but if you use coupon code QK59P, you can have it free, my gift to you.

 

love is letting go May 26, 2012

Filed under: Commentary,Literature — Shawn L. Bird @ 9:57 pm
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Diana Wynne Jones writes, in Fire and Hemlock,

To love someone enough to let them go, you had to let them go forever or you did not love them that much.

That’s profound.

Sad, too.

But on second thought- what does ‘let them go forever’ mean, really?  Release them to the universe?  Trust them?  Say good-bye?  Embrace them?

Can you hold someone physically while letting them go emotionally?  or visa versa?

What do you think of this quote?  What do you think Wynne-Jones means?  Is it true?

 

 

haiku May 9, 2012

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 7:59 pm
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My love, your music

rings through the house and kindles

embers in my heart

 

toes March 28, 2012

Filed under: Commentary,Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 10:22 am
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My toes travel,
shifting beneath the sheets,
searching for your warm form,
and encounter emptiness.
Where you were
there lingers
a memory of warmth
that leaves me longing,
lonely,
for your return.

 

empty March 21, 2012

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 12:34 am
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What laughter echoes

through empty hallways

mocking joy

mocking always.

What song echoes

through empty places

mocking love

mocking faces.

What words echo

through empty pages

mocking peace

mocking rages.