You said she was the only one
You promised she’d be yours forever
You crafted a dream together
You raised children and hopes
But then
you walked away
You found another you inside, a
you who needed a voice, a
you who needed a new life
So now
You say she is the only one
You say she’ll be yours forever
You’ll craft a dream together
but how can
you be believed when
you’ve been through this before?
Sometimes you try for so long to reach a goal, that the striving is your life. If the striving is arduous, the effort can be exhausting. If year after year you’re trying to carve your dreams, but you can’t make them happen, it’s not surprising that you might be too tired to keep trying. You might get too tired to face the constant struggle. You might decide the relationship you’ve been trying to salvage is just not worth the effort. If after a couple decades of trying to make something better, if it’s not working, perhaps it’s time to accept that maybe life doesn’t have to be so much of a struggle.
Maybe you know you’ve been in a terrible situation, but you won’t want to let go of the hopes and dreams you started with. If that struggle is all you’ve ever known, then it might be hard to see that there might be another way of living. A peaceful, comfortable, satisfying way of living. A way that doesn’t involve a state of constant warfare, sense of inadequacy, pain, and never quite living up to expectations. Give it time.
Slowly you will see that others value you. It will perhaps surprise you to see that they value you more than you were valued by people you thought loved you. Not everyone is so critical of you. Others may see potential that has been crushed in you.
Let go of the burden and look into the future. Let go of the toxins and poisons that warped your perspective and see what a clean and healthy life can look like. Let yourself heal. Get the medical help you need to grow stronger. Many would be happy to love a respectful, decent person like you. You’re worth it, even if it didn’t work with the last one. There were lessons there. Take the lessons, and look forward to better, because you deserve more than you’ve had, while you’ve been trying to hold on to something that wasn’t worth holding onto.
Try.
A frustrating thing about dealing with someone who has been emotionally abused, is that when the abuser has been doing a thorough job, the victim is completely paralyzed . He or she has no self-esteem left, and when that is coupled with a somewhat fanatical worship of the abuser, it adds a particularly pathetic twist to the situation.
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How can the observer who wants to help cut through years of brainwashing to instil a sense of value and hope in the victim? How can you cultivate a vision of the future that allows them to understand that they will be able to rise above their present tragedy to create a new, and possibly better life?
When the victim of abuse is a man, he is even more likely to blame himself for his abuse than women. According to a pamphlet by Public Health Agency of Canada, “Having been abused by a woman, the men felt that they had failed to achieve culturally defined masculine characteristics, such as independence, strength, toughness and self-reliance. As a result, the men felt emasculated and marginalized, and tended not to express their fears, ask for help, or even discuss details of their violent experiences.57 During the interviews, the abused men repeatedly expressed shame and embarrassment.” (http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/publications/mlintima-eng.php) The article further goes on to say that the men are often not believed, or that their abuse experience is minimized. Statistics in this article report that between 12 and 25% of men are routinely abused by their intimate partner, either emotionally or physically. I suspect many more don’t even recognise or acknowledge that the anger and shame that is their daily experience with their partner actually is abusive. It becomes a little like living in George Orwell’s 1984 where love is hate.
.
How are these men supposed to move on? If people are mentally strong and independent, they can recognize and move out of a toxic relationship. They can accept that divorce is a reasonable alternative to the demeaning behavior, but if they are weakened in some way, through illness, depression, or Stockholm syndrome*, what do they do then?
.
There are a lot of walking wounded in our communities who need hope. Thank heavens for the professionals who can help, and for loving hearts who try their best to touch those who need support, despite how frustrating it is dealing with those who are unwilling to help themselves.
.
*PS- do click on the Stockholm Syndrome link. It goes to an excellent article called “Love and the Stockholm Syndrome: The mystery of loving an abuser.”
The first family wedding of the ‘next generation’ happened today. I was in the last generation, so one feels time passing as we celebrate the new couple and the beginning of their life together.
The family of each, the bride and the groom, was seeing off the first of their offspring. There’s something profound in that. I have noticed that families with several kids, get really good at weddings.
Tomorrow we’re off to the salmon run: the largest run in 100 years apparently. It’s a natural history excursion for the biologists in the family. Another cycle of life is enacted there. The fish come together and begin a new generation and then their lives end. They don’t get to watch their offspring carry on the journey of life. I suppose fish don’t care about such things, but Birds do.
Congratulations Philip and Violet. May you have many happy years together (because if you don’t, everyone is going to be really annoyed at me for introducing you to each other!)
That sweet sad face
alone on the playground,
lost in her thoughts,
playing with ponies,
is creating a new world
that shuts out what
was most wonderful
of her.
Who is behind
the revisionist theories
that are shredding
who she was?
.
Twins raised apart
are more similar
than those raised together,
and fight nature
to find individuality.
.
Too much alike,
so one must re-write history
and craft a vision
that is completely different
from what the other sees.
.
Affection, nurture, and laughter
are slashed through with the editor’s pen
and misunderstanding and frustration
are in bold print
in this edition of her life.
.
Who replaced the beloved child
with this angry young woman
holding tightly to her hand-crafted memories?
In response to complaints about the fact I’m too busy this week to blog. On my fridge for the last couple of months has been this dark offering that seems a propos at the moment:
Boy drives car.
Earth moves,
explodes.
Crushed leg and arm
blood
red water
bitter juice.
Scream to sky.
Take hold of the moon.
.
Leave ache
behind.
.
.
I like the ambivalence of the ending. I was thinking of people left behind, but I see that it could read another way…
Another teen in our community has died in horrendous circumstances. This one was a kind, considerate young man who sat quietly in my classroom two years ago. Always easy to work with. Thoughtful responses. A really nice kid whom I was glad to know.
And now he’s gone.
The circumstances aren’t important. Choices lead to actions. Sometimes our choices lead us into the wrong car, the wrong pathway, the wrong friendships. Sometimes our choices lead us on detours but we find the right way eventually. Sometimes our choices bring joy and celebration. Sometimes they bring mourning.
I don’t want to outlive my students, and I am intending to live a long time yet.
So here’s what I want you guys to do:
Hold your friends close, make sure they know you value them. Help them to make the right choices, so you can all grow old together. Love each other. You’re the most valuable resource on the planet, and the future needs EACH one of you!
J- I have maple walnut ice cream.
S- You do? What is the Shawn friendly choice?
J-Vanilla
S- Vanilla?
J- Mm hm
S- Is it at least French vanilla?
J- It is if you speak with a French accent while you eat it…
If you read this post when it was originally posted, you’will notice this isn’t it. Unfortunately, when I went to add a video the next day, the whole post disappeared. Since I had composed the post on the blog, I didn’t have another copy to re-post (a lesson!). I’ll try to remember as best I can!
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Today I met Violet who shared that her grandson was casuality #150 in the Afghan war. Her boy was 21 year old medic, Pte. Andrew Miller who was killed by an Improvised Explosive Device June 2010. When I see his photo, his grandmother’s face beams out at me. Today, there are 152 families grieving the loss of their children in this conflict. It is 152 sacrifices too many. At the same time, someone has to stand up to the bullies in the world, and I am very thankful that someone is willing to do it.
I read Sally Armstrong’s book, Veiled Threat, about the treatment of women under the Taliban. Someone has to notice when human rights are being trampled. Someone has to stand up for them when they can’t stand up for themselves.
So thanks to all the members of the Armed Forces who are risking their lives to protect those who need their help everywhere. Thanks to those who were here a few years ago helping to fight the Okanagan Mountain Fire. Thanks to those who are helping Newfoundland re-establish its infrastructure after Hurrican Igor blew through. Thanks for all you do.
Hugs to those of you who’ve made the biggest sacrifice. Here’s hoping there isn’t a 153rd family bearing this grief.
Shawn L. Bird 
Meet Candice October 6, 2010
In a previous message I reported how one of the things I love about my little club is our commitment to young people, and changing the world by bringing opportunities to them. We have Rotary Youth Exchange Students, Ambassadorial Scholars and a World Peace Scholar. We’ve had several Group Study Exchange Participants as well. I would like to introduce you to Candice Roggaveen, our International Ambassadorial Scholar in Oxford. Candice was once a Youth Exchange Student representing our club in Brazil, I believe. She received an undergraduate degree in International Studies at McGill University in Montreal, and now she is looking for more ways to change the world through her studies at Oxford Brooks University.
Shuswap Rotary is proud of Candice, and encourages you to follow her adventures on her blog.
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