Shawn L. Bird

her mother always said the key to a successful marriage was for each spouse to give as much as they thought they possibly could.  And then, to give a little more. Somewhere in that extra giving, in the space created by generosity without score keeping, was the difference between marriages that thrived and those that didn’t.

(Shilpi Somaya Gowda.  Secret Daughter.  p. 261)

I remember debating the nature of marriage with a male friend when I was a teen ager.  My concept reflected Gowda’s quote above, that each partner had to give 100% to the other.  He argued that that sort of thing was impossible, it would destroy the individual.  50/50 he could maybe see, but giving 100% no.

Some thirty plus years after that conversation, considering who has a divorce under his belt and who hasn’t got one under hers, I may have won the argument by default.

Mind you, he was right as well.  It is nearly  impossible to open yourself up to someone else like that.  Trust is a huge thing, and perhaps the more broken you are, or the more you’ve been betrayed, the more difficult it will be to open yourself to trusting so freely. There are often secrets in a marriage, and some are to protect the spouse.  For example, I protect mine from knowing my shoe budget.  He sees the shoes, and he knows he really doesn’t want to know my shoe budget.  ;-p  Those sorts of secrets are by mutual consent, and do no harm.

Mutual respect and attention is the key here.  One partner can’t do all the giving, it needs to be a reciprocal circle, a single entity.  It’s like an element with positive and negative electrons whirling around.  They must be kept in balance for the relationship to flourish.

The giving means receiving as well.  More importantly, it means recognizing what is within the other to give.  The 100% that they have to offer might not include what you are expecting or desiring.  Accepting the other’s offerings gratefully and genuinely is part of power created in the elements of marriage.  You can not grieve for what the other cannot offer, nor can you blame them for it.   You need to celebrate the spouse you have, and allow them to celebrate you.