Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

haiku- After the rain August 4, 2013

Filed under: Poetry — Shawn L. Bird @ 8:32 pm
Tags: , , ,

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8 Responses to “haiku- After the rain”

  1. quarksire Says:

    🙂 sumtimez…. 🙂 but not all wayz 🙂 hehe…… kewl 🙂 …..Q

  2. pi314chron Says:

    Shawn, much to like in your haiku, although “thundering downpour” seems a bit much and takes the focus off the light in my opinion. Thundering is also a dreaded participle, and what’s worse an adjective which many haiku poets try to avoid I’ve been toying with:

    after the downpour
    a certain slant of light reveals
    the rounded hills

    Of course, Emily might not approve of our using “a certain slant of light,” but how do we know?! The last word in L2 could be changed to many, many other words, depending on what one wants to do with/to “the rounded hills.”

    Anyway, that’s my $0.02 worth. Keep on with the haiku! Yours is a fresh and original voice and your haiku a pleasure to read.

    Respect and Admiration,

    -R-

    • pi314chron Says:

      Shawn, I’m no longer enamored with the Dickinson phrase in my comment above. I rather like the following but don’t know what to do with it.

      shower passed on
      slanted shafts of light warm
      the cool green hills

      It is significantly different from your original and easily passes the few plagiarism tests I know anything about. Nevertheless, if you would like to have my “vague echo” haiku above, it is yours for the asking.
      I would be honored for you to have it.

      -R-
      (8-5-2013, 0231 CST)

    • It was about the contrast of the pounding thunder and sheets of water that promptly ended and all this light within 15 mins or something. The haiku was crafted in a rush to try to do the photo thing with said light (missed it anyway) so it’s definitely a rush job! lol Thanks for sharing your 2c I’ll save them in my piggy bank. I like constructive conversations!

  3. But for a moment more
    We can only wish
    Unlikely as it may be to come our way…. Lovely. 😊


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